I Wonder…

I wonder if anyone still even checks on this blog or reads anything on here?  I likely would have moved on months ago.  To go from a daily blog…what?  a YEAR AGO? To this annon blog that pretty much gets posted on about once a month at the most.

I often ask myself why come here and still write?  I don’t know why at this point.  Tonight I just felt a need to write again.  Many things I talked about a year ago on here seem so moot now.  My weight issues are fairly resolved.  Yea it is still a struggle to keep it off but I am pretty much where I want to be at 170 lbs.

My desire to be a porn star…well lets just say anyone can be a porn star in some manner.  There are so many genres of porn and a niche for everyone and lets say I fulfilled that dream and yea I even made some money…but I think I was looking more for the same thing I always talk about…acceptance…approval…blah-de-blah-de-blah.  Yea I made it happen and I got lots of what I wanted but was it REALLY what I wanted?  I found it was not.  A part of will forever be searching for that gauntlet that does NOT exist.  I could be Brad Pitt or whomever and have the wealth of the world and total praise of the world and I think I would still not find what I am looking for…

BUT, in spite of my brief porn fun and all the guys telling me I am hot and me still not feeling it, I found some self-worth somewhere in there.  The porn thing was fun and the money was nice but it didn’t give me what i hoped it would.

Interestingly enough what gave me that which I was seeking is holding my 6 month old granddaughter in my arms and her looking up at me..safe from harm and secure.  Her smile…her need for food and drink amd warmth and a dry “bottom.”  Maybe my kids did that for me so many years ago.  Maybe that is how I stayed married as a gay man for so many years..having that person…a human. Rely on who I am to survive.  Yea it was only a few hours that day that I babysat…but everything seemed to fall into place.

So my quest for whatever it was i needed seems to have come to fruitation.  Will it forever be squelched?  I would like to think so but I KNOW it will not be.  But for now…I feel one with myself and everything I am.  AND THAT is a GOOD thing!

I wonder…  Yes, I wonder…  and now I know what makes my life totally necessary.

So Here’s the Deal

I had not been blogging here very long when I posted that picture of me and the weigh in post.  I had been yo-yo-ing at 207 lbs to 198 lbs and higher and lower.  THAT was April 17th.  BrettCajun asked about the weight too but more on that later.

After that post I got a comment that someone annonymously said I KNEW you couldn’t stop blogging and then went on to say what a low life I was and all that.  IT freaked me out a bit because there are legal ramifications for me maintaining a blog at this point in my life and blogging is just not worth the negative results that could come from the wrong people finding out.  SO I asked myself, is it worth it?  And decided that it is NOT.  I used to be a big MySpace user and I started playing with that again because THERE I can just be me which is why blogging HERE is NOT fun anymore.

So as for thew weight issue I HAD to laugh when I read that.  I am currently at 170 lbs.  I was at 160 in July but my doctor said I had lost too much and should try to maintain at 165 or 170 and just work on toning.  I have been working out now 2 or 3 days (sometimes 4) a week and have, for the first time in my life developed pecs! Hehehehe.  I LOVE making my pecs move and didn’t even realize I had them till I was brushing my teeth one day and saw them moving.  Ifeel good.  I look better.  I went from a 36 and NEARING 38 waist pants to a 32 (not tight either) waist and I went from TIGHT XL shirts to Medium shirts and even sometimes Small shirts in Mens.  I no longer wear baggy shirts and most eveything I wear is fitted.  How crazy is that.  I am posting a pic with my head cut off taht was taken this summer when i was  around 165 to 170.

So there is the deal.  I might still pop in here once in a while but if you are on MySpace, drop me a comment with your MySpace URL and I will add you and RawforReal…I will e-mail you next week…I promise.  YOU helped me get through one of the worst times in my life and for that I will ALWAYS be forever grateful.  I owe you so much gratitude.

Oh and if you are wondering…YES, I am unemployed!  Have been since June 30th.

Here is a pic of my chest since the 50 lbs weight loss and then working out!

Helloo ooo oo o

That was an echo.  Yes I am still alive and kicking just wanted to say hello.  I will stop in more often for those who are still around.  I just don’t like blogging annonymously.  As soon as I can legally blog again, I plan to reopen my ORIGINAL blog and bitches, when I do it will be a crazy mess!  lol.  So don’t count me out just yet…

Still Chuggin along

Yea I am still alive.  Not much to talk about really.  My job ends in about 45 days.

Weight loss is coming along very well.  I am down to 184 lbs as of today which puts me at a 23 lb loss in about 4 and a half weeks.  Over the weekend we bought a home gym system.  I put it together on Monday and have been working out every day (Different muscles every other day actually).  I hurt my knee 3 weeks ago and the Dr. ordered me to NO jogging for 4 weeks so that really sucked because I was actually enjoying it and the weight loss has slowed quite a bit since I quit jogging but I am still losing about half a pound a day.  I wanted to be at 180 by Memorial Day weekend and I think that will be obtained with not much effort.  Then it is on to my final goal of 160 lbs and FIT…thus the exercise system.  I am still doing crunches every other day too so that is good.

So that’s about it.  Sorry I am so non-existent for the most part…still working 7 days a week so there just isn’t enough hours to get it all in.

Why do I do this?

Of course SOME things work out for the best.  I am STILL on my porn mission.  I want to do it and I am determined to get in good enough shape to do it (so I am using this all to my advantage).  I still don’t know if I would or WILL go through with it, however as long as it is still in my mind (going on 3 weeks now) I might as well take advantage of it!  Right?  So yea.  I am down to 194.2 lbs.  The lowest since last summer.  I was running every day however yesterday I hurt my knee somehow and ran today anyway, but I think I may have to give it a break tomorrow.

Jesse is still not a huge help.  He has expressed fear now, that I am going to get skinny and then leave him or something.  I assured him this is not about him, but about me.  Tonight he wanted to go to the Mexican restaurant down the street and we went, however I got a very light grilled shrimp meal instead of my usual Steak with onions, mushrooms and bacon!

Well, I guess that is it for today.  I HATE that I obsess about things to the point of…well…obsession.  My friend who is already in porn is avoiding me it now seems because maybe I came across as too eager and was a bit pushy.  Sigh…

Weight IN

Today I have dropped 9.6 lbs since last Friday!  Sit-up crunches 3 of the past 5 days.  Jogged a mile Sun, Tues, Thurs and Friday!

Go Go GO GGGOOOOO!

Porn Star Dreams

Ok, so let me start by saying I KNOW it isn’t practical for me to be a porn star. Regardless, it is consuming my mind at the moment so why not take advantage of it. I KNOW to do porn…even old guy bear porn, I NEED to be in shape. You all know I have struggled with the weight loss for a while now because I need motivation. Last year when I dropped 30 lbs it was because I was going to New Orleans for Halloween which didn’t pan out. So NOW I have a motivation! Will I do porn? It is HIGHLY unlikely but my mind says different so I am using that!

Last week I started jogging a mile through my neighborhood. It took 14 minutes the first few days. I am jogging every other day. The next time it was 13 minutes. On Tueday it was 12:48. Today it was 12:08! Yea baby. When I get to a mile without walkign part of it, I will add another mile!

I also started doing crunches on the rubber ball. 38 is the most I could do lat week I hit 50 crunches today. Not bad for a start.

Weight? Last Friday it was 207.4 lbs. By Monday I was at 204.something. Today? 198.4 lbs! I want to be at 180 by Memorial Day weekend and 170 lbs by the time lose my job at the end of June. Then who knows what could happen? *evil grin*

Now…I am going to do something I said I would never do.  I have posted pics of me at other sites, but never here and any pic I have ever posted ALWAYS was flattering.  I have decided that once every few weeks I am going to post a hideous body shot of me and hopefully we will be able to see the progress of my intense labor over time…HOPEFULLY!

Here it is…

I Know…its bad…

Update to Yesterday

We are staying together and I think things are going to be OK.  More next week when I have time to post.

One More Downer

Things are NOT good.  I am in such a funk.  NOT suicidal folks so don’t go freaking out.  No, I don’t know what is going on.  Job change having effects on me or something.  So my downer here today is I am near tears and have been for days now.  I don’t think my relationship with Jesse is going to work out.  We been together 6 years but I think it is over. I started in December when i cheated.  Yes, I am admitting that…I had my reasons…good or bad it is what it is.  He caught me and I thought it was over.  I think I WANTED him to catch me and hoped it would end it and it didn’t.  Then in February he said he was done…and Me, fearing change begged him to stay and work it out.  I loved him (I do) and didn’t want to be without him (It’s true) and now here I am 2 months later thinking I don’t want to live like this the rest of my life.  In unhappiness.  He and I have discussed it over the years and this isn’t the first time I felt this way…but usually it passes and then a day or 2 later I am glad we stuck it out.

It has been over a week and I am still feeling it.  Tears are straming down my face as I write this.  Why do I feel this way?  I try to imagine every scenario without him and it breaks my heart.  He is the best companion ever.  But there are so many things that just don’t seem to work and haven’t ever worked but I overlooked them.  Trust me, we BOTH have issues and it takes two to Tango.  I take teh blame for where things are right now.

I guess I am feeling that you only live once so why live in misery.  this time next week I may be saying, “Gee I am glad I am out of that phase,”  or not.  I don’t know.  We can’t really discuss it this week because there are little ones here so it will be Monday or Tuesday before I can even talk to him about what I am feeling.  Maybe it will have passed by then.

Friends in Low Places

So I have this friend on another site that I talk to.  He is sweet and funny and we have become fast friends.  This week he revealed to me that he is also a porn star under an assumed name.  He felt if we were to be friends he needed to come clean with me.  I told him of my little secret…one I can’t reveal here and a deeper kindred spirit was forged.

All week I have pondered this since his revelation and yet I am almost depressed.  Crazy as this sounds, I wanted to do gay porn a few years ago and even submitted some pictures to this one site but never got my foot in the door.  I know…it is something I shouldn’t have even ever considered…what with kids and all that…but I did.

And then I moved on to other things.

But NOW…I find myself totally and utterly jealous.  I NOW want to do it again.  Of course I know it is not practical and it is NOT even about the money.  Don’t worry, I won’t be doing it…just expressing my thoughts.  AND DON’T go laughing because I am fat and old.  There is a market for guys like me!  Even if I wanted to do it, I couldn’t logistically because I live too far away from anyplace that I could do it.

So why why why am I jealous?  And almost depressed.

I have considered these ideas:

-My lost youth and regrets at such.

-My utter need for being stroked (not THAT kind of stroking!!! PERV).

-My disgust with my body weight and lack of motivation to lose it and get in shape.

I propose that it is a combination of all of the above.  I actually considered asking my friend to get my foot in the door but then I really had to think,  “Do I really want to do this?”  Or is is about my personal issues.  We all know it is the latter.  So I need to plow through my emotions right now and be practical.  Besides, I don’t want to use his friendship and take advantage of what he could possibly do for me.  SO, I won’t and probably this time next week it will be a mere fleeting thought.

Last December when I read “Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star” I went through the exact same thing.  I even wrote Rich Merritt, the author, though I didn’t reveal my reason for writing.  It is what I do.  Obsess.

I hope I can keep his friendship intact without doing something stupid.

Oh and for the record, I jogged a mile 2 days last week and TODAY got back on my calorie counting.  204.2 lbs today.  I want to be around 170 by the time i lose my job.